“It’s been a while” is no exaggeration. I’m honestly too embarrassed to look back at my last post to see how long it’s actually been since I’ve written here. . .but I’m guessing close to a year. Yikes.
In the past I’ve rattled off a ton of excuses as to why I fell off the writing wagon—not so much because people need or want to know but because I feel like I need to justify the silence, even just for myself. The running list of excuses contains items like: “I was busy wedding planning,” “I started a new job,” “I was overwhelmed,” oh and “I’m pregnant.” Yeah. . .it’s been an eventful year, to say the least.
But the truth is, and not that the truth isn’t aligned to the above excuses, is that I’ve been happy and content. Ironically, something that isn’t always easy to accept.
Happiness and the feeling of being content is almost taboo, especially when you’re used to living with the constant feeling of being anxious. I’ve grown to accept anxiety and the feeling of being unsatisfied as just my way of life. I’ve become comfortable with it. So much so that when things were good and stable, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel or respond. But I’m sure you’re wondering, “what does any of this have to do with the hiatus?”
Well, my recent revelation on the connection is this, I have a history of blogging when I’m unsatisfied. I don’t think I ever realized it at the time, but blogging was a coping mechanism—a way for me to find a deeper sense of self and a purpose I was comfortable pursuing. So once I found a job I love, married the love of my life and amazing life partner, and learned we’d be welcoming our first child into the world this winter, blogging didn’t seem necessary anymore. The urge disappeared. And, in all honesty, now realizing that, it makes me sad.
I enjoy writing—whether for an audience or just for myself. So I’m deciding to pick myself back up and write not as a way to cope during challenging times but because I enjoy doing it. I think I need to put effort into connecting the fulfillment of writing and blogging with contentment rather than, what has been historically true, instability.
Also, I miss hearing other women’s stories and sharing images of my cute chihuahuas.
A friend of mine recently shared on her blog the lows of blogging and the undying question all new bloggers ask: “is it worth it?”
She ultimately decided it is and it was her vulnerability and honesty in sharing those feelings that made me log into this blog and write this post. So thank you, Nicole! Your words and stories matter!